The successful marriage: Can it be learned?

According to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri, “…50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.” This means that half of our extended family, friends and neighbors are going to go through the turmoil of breaking apart a family unit. This is a sobering reality in our society that many are trying to remedy.

Diane Sollee, founder and Director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education (CMFCE), believes that part of the problem is a fundamental misunderstanding within our society of the importance of a complete, biological, intact family. “For too many years, the well-meaning experts, including myself, were saying all family forms are equal. We operated on the mentor model that if the child has at least one adult in his life with a strong connection, that is all he needs. Then a compelling body of research started coming that there is nothing you can measure for men, women and children where they do not do better in an intact biological family. That is a hard thing to say because that means they do not do as well in stepfamilies or any other family form. Just getting that information to couples is very valuable instead of saying, 'The kids will be fine. All family forms are equal. We will send you to divorce adjustment therapy and then everything will be okay.' It turns out that is not what the research is showing, and we have to correct that message,” Sollee said.

In her work with the CMFCE, Sollee has helped promote grass roots initiatives to create educational tools and programs that will help couples better understand what to expect going into a marriage.

The problem is one of education, says Sollee, “…We give people very good instructions about how to court, how to get engaged, how to do weddings, how to do a honeymoon, and what to expect when you are expecting a child. But then there is a black screen on how to be married. We need to educate the public about what to expect in a normal, good marriage. If you ask an educated couple about what event in marriage precipitates more separation and divorce, they answer infidelity, job loss, illness, or the death of a child. No one gets it right that it is the birth of a first baby and the three months before and three months after. If you ask, ‘When do marriages have the highest divorce rate?’ everyone says seven years. In reality, it is the first two years and in years 14 to 16. The average length of marriage is seven years,” explains Sollee.

Another key obstacle to educating our society has been a lack of understanding as to what makes a successful marriage work. Too often, it’s simply a matter of two people having unrealistic expectations. They think that because they are disagreeing, the marriage must be failing. According to Sollee, prior to the 1980’s most marriage relationship data that therapists and family counselors were using had been gathered by using couples that were already in failing marriages. Finally, the industry modified their data gathering approach and began watching "in love" couples and following them forward for ten years.

Sollee explains, “They found out there is no compatible couple. All couples disagree the same amount. And the difference was not what they disagree about or their ethnicity or age. Couples have to manage money, children, sex, others and time, and they will disagree about those. Those who divorced are the ones who do not understand that this is what marriage is…The experts also learned there are much better ways to manage – (we never use the word resolve) - conflict or disagreement in marriage. Even the happily married couples have irreconcilable differences; they just know how to manage them.”

Because of this new trend in family therapy, there has been a groundswell of support and interest in developing and providing new ways to educate and prepare people for long, happy, and successful marriage relationships.

Diane Sollee, and the CMFCE, has played a key part in organizing and encouraging a change in our culture to better prepare for long-term marriage relationships. As explained on the CMFCE website, “…The good news is that anyone can learn to do it better and smarter. Couples can unlearn the behaviors that destroy love and replace them with the behaviors that keep love alive.”

Communication: Sometimes it's about what we don't say

We always hear about how important communication is in our marriages. I do agree that the way we communicate with each other is of utmost importance. However, what does it mean to communicate?

I think that sometimes we confuse communicating with talking. I don’t think to communicate always means to talk. I think that sometimes the best communication might be what we choose not to say.

When my wife and I first got married, someone gave us a quote that we thought was pretty funny at the time… “Go into marriage with both eyes wide open, and once your married keep at least one eye shut.”

We have come to more deeply understand and appreciate this concept the longer we are married. I believe that most of us understand intellectually the idea that we go into marriage blinded by love and that we can’t expect perfection in each other. But, knowing that and actually living that is not always the same thing.

Our emotions and feelings often overpower our logic and reason and with time we may find ourselves feeling resentment towards our spouse because of some of their habits or personal traits. This can cause a rift to develop with your spouse that you need to address.

As is most often the case, the way we communicate with each other has a huge impact on how we deal with these unmet expectations, or disappointments. While I am definitely a firm believer that you need to be able to communicate clearly and openly with your spouse about what is happening within your marriage, I don’t believe that everything you think or feel actually needs to be said.

For example, if I attempt to leave the house with socks that don’t match, I would hope that my wife would point that out to me, but I’m pretty sure that if she continually told me that she wished I’d consider a toupee, or hair plugs, to help “cure” my baldness, eventually it would start bothering me and I would begin to wonder if my lack of hair was really a problem. She’s not wrong; I am losing my hair, but will continually pointing that out to me help me somehow? What if I don’t mind being bald?

The same would go for a husband who continually “reminds” his wife that she’s put on a few pounds since the baby. He may technically be right, since most women do put on a few pounds when they have a baby, but is it actually helpful to her, or to the marriage relationship to keep pointing that out to her?

Sometimes I hear people actually justifying these type of comments as being "constructive criticism" or trying to be helpful and loving. But if the only result to this type of statement is that someone's feelings are hurt, I don’t believe it has anything to do with being helpful, or loving, as much as it has to do with being selfish and having unrealistic expectations.

I believe that communication is critical in strengthening any marriage relationship, however communication does not always mean speaking what is on our mind. Sometimes communication is not saying things that would only make someone feel bad, and would not actually provide any positive value. It’s sometimes about what we don’t say.

The Gift of Apology

In an earlier post, I wrote about the difference between a present and a gift. I submit that a present is something that is purchased or given simply because it is expected that you will give something. We send our kids to birthday parties with presents and sometimes our own children don’t even know what’s inside the wrapping paper. No real thought given to the present, we just have to give something.

A gift can be purchased, but it also comes with some level of meaning attached to it. Some time has been spent thinking about what would be the perfect gift for a particular individual. A ring is a lovely present for a wife on Valentine’s Day, but a Mother’s ring with a stone representing each of your children is a well-thought-out gift.

Could we apply that same concept to an apology? Should an apology be a present, or a gift? Do you sometimes say, “I’m sorry” even though you don’t really believe you were at fault? Or do you say you are sorry, but then spend several moments explaining why you were justified in your behavior. Why would you even bother apologizing in that case, you obviously don’t really mean it?

The power of an apology is profound, if given as a gift. Think about the last time you and your spouse had a disagreement. Voices may have been raised, hurtful things may have been spoken, and at the end of the incident both of you are feeling angry and misunderstood. Both of you have hastily built up a defensive barrier that neither of you is eager to cross.

Now you have an important decision to make. How do you knock down that barrier? How do you open up the lines of communication again? It doesn’t really even matter if you were at fault; you still have a stake in trying to fix things.

This is the power of a sincere apology. Once it is offered, those barriers seem to come down quickly. It may not be instantly, and your spouse may still need some additional time to process his/her feelings, but you have provided the opening that they can take hold of when they are ready.

However, if an apology is given simply as another way to re-introduce your points of the argument (“I’m sorry that we argued, but if you would only…”) then the apology is negated and the opportunity to diffuse the situation is wasted.

We need to stop trying to justify ourselves through our apologies. If you’re going to say it, mean it. And then stop talking.

Let’s treat the apology as a real gift that we put some time and thought into and give it sincerely. Don’t treat it as a present that we just picked up on our way through the checkout stand because it was within reach and didn’t cost much.